Posts Tagged ‘soliloquy’

Who knew?

Ugg!

The lurk, the shirk, the sting, the thing.

Blur, blank, blinder, blink.

There were those super-specific moments — fixed in memory now like old family photographs — the fatigue, the fever, the test, the spike, the biopsy.

Then it was Christmas, and work, questions, and finally — the doctor’s office.

“It’s cancer.”

Sleep walking to the parking lot, the surreal drive to lunch, at home in the evening in a soft chair — the fading sun.

We wake at night.

We ply the web.

We fumble through vocabulary.

We blanch at complications, fear treatments, shrink from side effects. We wipe our eyes through memoirs. We question questions, hang out in online communities, consult consultations, brood, balk, blink, blind and blunt.

The catastrophic complexity of the human cell, the massive, mutating mystery of the human body!

Reactions gather, like the clouds, and we — fight!

Slash the mass; chem the thing!

Damn it; hack it; slam it; whack it!

Math it; thrash it!

Fearful to have; terrible to witness; excruciating to treat; the clonal bout, the charnel house, the backdoor out.

Acceptance?

Got and not — wrought in snot, clot in thought, chemo-bot and bio-rot.

And yet, but yet — just possibly yet — there is the kind of wild, wonky wonder of life in it all — like foreign travel; mountaineering — sundry bitter-sweet relational distillations, supportive social essences, surprising gratitudes — scents of grace.

And too, perhaps finally — in it all and through it all — those surprisingly bright, blasted blinks at blinding beauty.

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Speak up more, not less, using your own ideo-vocalized mess.

Soliloquy  — in front of yourself and everyone else-a-melse.

Monologue, dog!

You and I can flip-flop nonstop lolly pop but that gets trite fast and then we just so need to speak our favor-ite verbo-bite.

Bebop, hiphop, tipitity-top, slop-a-pop.

Ski-ba-bop-ba-bop-voc; do that thang nonstop.

Be-cause …

We have been flattened by the road-grade blade of the prepaid lexicographers.

We have been run over by the top-botched, pop-a-voc.

We have suffered weak-a-squeak.

We have sold out for safety and we have shut up way too much because we thought we were stuck-a-muck with duck and cluck.

Nope! Fess; you’ve got that vocable mess!

Unperson; you’ll worsen, but word-dive and jivity jive and you’ll revive.

See!

Be inventy.

Sync with your blink.

Que with your you and do-ba-de-do!

We wake up together; our fluffy black cats are at the foot of the bed.

We get up and begin the day with strong, brown coffee in white mugs.

We sit on the couch; we watch each other. My eyes are on the completely particularized universal of you — your dark brown eyes, your gold streaked hair, your red and yellow cheeks, the soft contours of your essential orange.

We talk. We discuss the bright blue weather, our deep purple daughters, our investments, the upcoming week, the cats.

We go off to work. Quickly we come home again to each other. We talk about the day. Then you are sewing. Then I am writing. Then we are making dinner. Then we are luxuriating within the warm hum, sum and jume-da-jume of our intimate, red and yellow domesticity.

The whir of your machine, the click of my keyboard, the slosh of our washing machine (our clothes stirring together) the clink of our double boiler on the stove, steaming our dinner greens — this is you and me particularly, essentially artistically.

I am Chagall; you are my Bella.

You take my hand, we waft through the house, we lift from the floor and fly to the ceiling. I sit on your shoulders, you rest your head against my arm.

You most colorful, touchable, breathable specific; you minute blue particulate within the concrete bon vivant of my purple affection.

There you go, but here you are again.

You overtake me by degrees — your green lips pressed against mine immediately follow your tan arms wrapped around me always follow your orange smile coming in the door.

You spearmint breath, you green tea scent, you chai-tea warmth — you delicious Chardonnay, you perfectly hoppy IPA, you unambiguously welcome dark chocolate thing!

You are no idealized, disembodied, romanticized you. Your pink head floats past my blue hair. You are my most definite palpability. I taste your sweet lime tangibility.

We sleep, work, eat, laugh and drink connected. We are the perpetual state of met, mixed, melded, merged — mused.

I turn my face to kiss you, our red  hot lips touch, I put my hand on your purple waist, you hold my yellow head lightly, we float past the children, the cats look up.

The couch, the lamp and the TV tip over and fall out of the front window into the bright red Pacific Ocean.

I am here with you.

You are completely palpable; this makes us, “Oh, so magical!”

I’m smack down, knock-you-out, beyond-the-heliosphere smitten.

I’m attracted beyond the extreme edge of blacked-out captivation.

I’m flat-out, heels-over-head, shot-into-space-to-the-edge-of-the-sun besotted.

I’ve never seen, anywhere, anytime, in any way such flat-out, alluring, full-on, crazy-pleasing, floor-you-and-snatch-you-back-up again loveliness.

There simply is no other beauty like this. There is no other ultra-extreme elegance beyond the silken edge of the finest elegance to match this.

I just can’t stop gawking!

And when I was kicked in, smashed up, beaten down and washed out — done, gone and finished — this raging beauty grabbed my hand, smiled me up and invited me out.

I can’t get over it; I won’t get over it; and nothing in the future will get me over it.

I’m in love!

With God!

Frighteningly high mountain cliffs, from a distance,

And in evening light, may appear as a smooth, soft and safe wonder to us.

And a life with missteps, and drops and falls into this or that plunging cravass,

May later, near the end, appear a softer and more beautiful thing.

How we chose to remember what was sharp or hard or full of harm will make it what it was to us.

With but a little more distance we might yet remember,

That at our psyche’s shocking birth we were astonished,

In puberty thrilled.

In our middle years we were astounded.

In old aged sat amazed.

And in the end, dreamily drifting down death’s deep drop, if we so choose,

We may find that we are knocked over and ploughed under with wonder.